Date: 2014-08-25 23:09 GMT-03:00

I am looking for someone; who could understand, even if a little, when I talk about gardens reflected on buildings, when I have these visions in dreams; of tall pine trees and dirt roads that make me feel like I’m in a place that I’m supposed to find, eventually…

Okay, let’s see… Uhmmm, my connection to this messed up world is more about where the seekers go. I mean, I’m Argentinian but I’ve lived in Iceland, Sweden, England and Spain; I’ve been to several places to see if I could find someone to connect to. You see, it seems that I can get along with almost everyone but cannot really find someone to relate to.. . When, in reality, there doesn’t seem to be much time left for connections when the rest of the world’s imploding in the name of other people’s ideas, right?

You know, once a person sees it, they’ll be enlightened immediately because it’s so beautiful; but I wouldn’t say there was anything specific; there’s no flag wearing, there’s no document like a Bible, or anything. It comes from a general sense of longing and a feeling that I’ve got to find a place in the world to stay. Yeah, it’s really that; a real, flesh and blood, living, breathing, unpredictable love for all these things. The point to this love, is that I know where it’s going. It starts in a familiar place and then rise, though a series of pleasurable twists and turns, to an exciting climax. That makes it a comfortable, cheering, cosy pleasure that is never the same and yet recognisable; have you ever felt like that? But surely the point of myself, a fucked up bastard on permanent walkabout, is that I take all this to somewhere unexpected? A straight line to nowhere, I guess.

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UPDAAATE!: Back to Sweden!
Another update!: Forget Sweden, I am back to Argentina for 3 month holidays.. hmm let’s see what happens.

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I, in my fervent desire to speak to everyone, speak to no one :/

Day 11th:
Fuck! What I am trying to prove is that through my intentions I am creating angels, messiahs and prophets. Isn’t that better than living an empty life? Isn’t that better than settling for what you have? Why do you think you were so drawn to that boring life? You aren’t human if you do that…..either am I. Yeah, I never EVER second guess my heart. Everyday is better than the next. I have no addictions and there is nothing I can’t do. I want nothing but I try to achieve the impossible. Yeah, I want nothing at all. That’s amazing.

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Saturday:
This astonishing four-year scandinavian pilgrimage has been littered with sleeping pills, lots of fun, dehydration, mental breakdown and three-month MacDonald’s binges. Now, somewhere over the rainbow, the world belongs to me. For the second time, the full tale of my journey from trauma to personal triumph starts all over again. WHAT THE FUCK.

I can’t just stand still like the rest of the people, looking at all the lights, and thinking to themselves that out of those millions of lights, not one of them knows them and we’re just fucking rotting away doing nothing.

The resulting stories of these travels have become the stuff of my folklore. Stuff that happened, you know? Me spinning a hire car in circles on the lawn until the wheels came off. My friends having six-hour haircut marathons. Me disappearing for five days. My mate chucking a chair through a plate-glass window in glee when we all left for breakfast at five in the morning… immediately after I opened up the car door, the whole experience, was really insane in ways that only good friends, bad booze and mixed emotions can make.

I’d come to a point where it wasn’t one hundred percent, and I think without going through a bit of trauma, I wouldn’t have what I’ve got now…which is special.

…there’s no way you can stop dead. That’s an impossibility, actually. So the reason things happened the way they did was because they had to happen that way. I had to go to those places, and I had to go and be myself because I don’t know how to do anything else.
Armed with my share of craziness, I treated myself, initiating “the most ridiculously indulgent, decadent three months”, which amounted to a takeaway delivery of MacCombos every day until the money ran out.

By the way, since some people asked, yes, I am still up for a chat over coffee either in London or Stockholm! Hit me up and we’ll see what we can arrange on my way there. I will be there in two or three weeks!
I am here looking for friends so whether it’s a girl or a dude, it’s fine by me 🙂

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UPDATE:!
The other day, I was walking past this cheap furniture store, and I was questioning why, why is the furniture so shit? You can design something of beauty with cheap materials. It’s almost like people giving in – it’s like, ‘Oh, they don’t have any money – fuck ’em! Just give ’em that shit-designed thing there. That’ll do for ’em, ’cause they can’t buy anything else.’
And that whole philosophy has crept into everything we do now.

But you know, people always say about me that I take the difficult route around everything.

Eh, maybe that’s because I’m still looking, I’m still searching, I’m not putting a full stop on the end of it. There is no full stop. There is no end. That’s the beauty of it 🙂
But all this has been achieved at some cost. I have endured enormous tension; I have smashed up hotels, shattered relationships and tried fearsome experiments with northern places.

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THE END OF THE WORLD:
A few more nights like this an’ I’ll be able to soddin’ go back home. Because I can’t afford wasting my time building my own end of this search but my unwashed brain has the spunk to go skitting around the continent in search of high times.

These breathless testimonies, the lines of endless nights on my face, and the electric chaos inside my brain tell the tale. There has to be something quite extraordinary about a person that inspires this degree of devotion in me. I just can’t seem to find out who it is… But this year it will all happen. The last time I felt this focused ferocity of spiritualization was 10,000 feet above. (yeah, of course I was on a fucking plane, where else could I be? Fuck me. Such a tosser I am)
This strange sensation arrived this summer like a bolt of God-kissed lightning. Arrogant yet joyous, its mesh of not-quite-new ingredients – I think I have felt like this before – it’s sent my head spinning. At times, the irresistible kick of Buenos Aires City or the celebratory yearning of the beach, it made me feel 16 again. Like some fucked up technicolour daydream, a renewable narcotic.. something, something great.

I cannot have been alone in these feelings because, in the months since then, this rush in my heart has been in unstoppably ascendant. There is someone out there with the same feelings.

These ideas are already luxuriantly printed in my brain with their own multiple, interlocking words and the emotional locomotion of a heart that pumps blood like a mean motherfucker.
To you, all this is incomprehensible, I know, so much mind-splitting. But I am serious. Deadly serious.
Yeah, my friends in Argentina, by comparison, have it piss easy. But that doesn’t stop people from worshipping them. But such dedication does eventually bring its own problems; it’s happened to me, people’s expectations change, they start to think they own me, you know? I start to attract the nutters.
Yeah, but now that I think about it, it’s not „trouble” is it? You get all those things when you’re in a group of friends. You get free booze and you get free girls. They’re available if you want them. So that means I’m keen, then, on the prospect of becoming a fully-fledged sex symbol? Hahah nah. No, seriously, I’m not particularly ‘keen’, but I’m aware that it could, probably will, happen (if I don’t make it back home up north). I’m aware that there’s people around that’ll use my face to fill their stomachs, who can suck me in then, and when they wanna, shit me out again. It CAN happen.

Do I mind if people see that as arrogance? I don’t give a fuck about what people think. If it was pure arrogance I could never go anywhere near some of the emotions that I touch on in some of those fucking ideas.

I just want to change things for my own personal interest more than anything. Just because I love this and it is time to spread my wings a little bit. I really didn’t know whether it is gonna work at all. It’s just a gamble.
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Day 9th:

This is my trip.

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UPDATE:
Yeah, I’m coming back. Destination Sweden. Destination whatever shit’s in my head. I wanna do something fun. When you get this urge as I did, you stand there thinking, ‘Wow. No one is going to get it. They’re not going to get the trip I’ve been on.the context, the history, the tradition.’ But I know everything is going to be all right. So yeah, I’m coming back to her, to the family, to the love. I’m tired of people. Everyone’s so in a box. People aren’t doing themselves any favours. Stop trying to sell me a copy of a copy, if you can’t feel something, forget it. That’s why it’s fantastic to be outside the stupid group of friends I had; but I’m not out when I walk the streets. Painters, delivery boys, sales assistants, I am not out for them..

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Sunday update:
I promise you that it is going to be very entertaining because you are going to enjoy seeing me get FUCKED OVER AND OVER AND OVER by my friends, a girl I had a relationship with, and someone else. That’s why I had no choice but to become what I have become. I didn’t choose this plan. I was tricked into it. I am thrilled that I was though, but that wasn’t always the case..
I am convinced that there was a secret mystery hidden among the dreams I have been having these last weeks. Dreams filled with metaphors and messianistic connotations. I have decided to come back up north, to come back to the romance of the northern nights. After that decision, the voice in my dreams, repeating the same words; words of connecting love.

How can I refuse to come back with such message? [hehhe of course it’s not Iceland where I’m going to, at least I think it’s not]
Yeah, but these dreams, I mean; it makes me so upset that I usually speak in a strange figurative manner, a code if you will, and these are not the only curve balls I throw. When I speak, I am even more complicated, but this is for two reasons:
1- People understand better when they THINK about stuff. Then of course, if I have no choice, I’ll explain in detail. But that is not the best way to make them understand it, understand the mission, (also, I think there are some things that I cannot explain in detail, unless you are in my head).
2- People are fucking unreliable.

My search for HER has made me an independent thinker, and a dedicated existential empiricist {fuck my life, in the midst of fucking social/hipster absolutists}; I became a bloke ever deliberately seeking new truth by observation, and experiment; that’s why I have to get back to the north and see what happens.
I definitely have to get a girlfriend, I have to get back to HER. And when I confess this I feel the need to tell you to suspend judgement once again, and try to understand me. Don’t fight it, feel it. You can go back to your old sceptical/psychologically oriented selves later. Just try to get inside my head. Yeah, I know it’s kinda scary in there, and the wide open spaces may frighten you, but just think of it as a whole, drink some tea, or listen the news on the background… It doesn’t really matter, just stay with me.

The visions in my dreams are becoming clearer with every passing week. The feelings I have, cannot be described in words. The idea, whether it is true or not true, is absolutely gorgeous (I even woke up crying a few times). Think what you will, but I, me, instead of writing/talking about sex, or cool cars or money, instead of talking about depression, instead of talking about any number of topics that are repeated every fucking day…I am going for the impossible. Through the majestic beauty of being lost in the middle of nowhere, I am SUBLIMINALLY sending out signals to anyone, hoping that someone would pick up on the concept I bear, and answer this messenger’s cry for help.
Meh, this is fucking useless, isn’t it?

Well, to me it makes some sense. I dunno, to me, this idea is the greatest idea in the history of love. Don’t judge it, suspend judgement, and just think about how I felt at that moment. Try to feel it, go back to the intro I wrote and read it over…DO IT NOW!

Yeah man, I mean, I have to come back, mostly not specifically because of the last trip to Sweden, but because the first trip to Iceland. Because I was lost. I was lost AND found. My life started over on that day I lost the BSÍ flybus in Keflavík, because I hated that cold, dark and lost place so much, but I made up my mind to do it, and here I am; coming back. Because when I got there I felt a calling, I felt like my life was going to be good, and I felt the fucking Earth move under me when I felt the stunning presence of the spirit. For the first time I had faith, and it got me high, REAL HIGH. I was tripping balls dude, hard already. Let’s just say I went up, and I haven’t come down. So I guess you could say, what goes up doesn’t necessarily have to come down once you have faith, true faith, and love.

So yeah, it’ll take a few months, and I’ll be back, this time for good, forever; because I won’t fight her will anymore. She wants me back forever, and I need to keep searching for that thing forever, so it’s a good deal.
Hopefully the bad dreams will stop when I come back. All those moments from my past, from the last years. Those moments were the scariest occurrences of my life. I would wake up pressed against my bed. My eyes would be open, but I couldn’t move at all. I was paralysed and it took all the strength I had just to lift my arms and break free. I could wake up, be pinned and be looking at the clock. I thought I was being possessed by demons. I would pray like crazy asking Jesus to help me make the demons go away.

I still remember the marks of the sheet wrinkles printed all over my chest.

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WEEKEND UPDATE!!!!! :
I think I am getting closer to my Gnosis. Some months ago while I was walking to the Nacka Forum in Sweden too meet up with this nordic hottie I was dating, the idea came through me and it fucking transformed me, and now there is no me. I no longer consider myself to be of this world. I am now in Spirit, and Spirit is in me. WHAT THE FUCK Yeah, I am whole. However, while thinking all this shit, I was not whole. I mean, yeah. I was changing, and the thing that was changing me was my search. But, I was stuck somewhere in between worlds. (north pole / south pole), you know, nights over there are cold and dark, so it was easy for me to feel the stunning presence of the Spirit as she fed me answers and insights into the Scandinavian world. I knew something incredible was going down, yeah, and that was my inspiration for expressing each of these words. Simple shit.—–the mystery of GOD was being revealed to me through being sitting in a cold snowy day in a coffee house waiting for the bus to pass by, and I became on fire with the desire to tell someone about it. But, at that time, I was still battling my ego and the persona that was me. As a result of that internal conflict, I was caught in between being awake and being asleep. The rambling and often incoherent nature of the northern lights is a testament in itself to where I was at.
The basic necessity of my soul (this year) is to find out who SHE is. I cannot do that if I stick to safe formats. I must, as a human being, stretch the boundaries, because when I do, I find truth. I fucking pave the way for my own dreams, that will exclude the word “impossible” from my language.

I need to find it again.

When I had it, I felt something so awesome, so cool, and there was some actual proof in the form of hugs, photographs and coffee houses (and other assorted clues). But there really wasn’t all that much, certainly not enough to convince me of staying.
In retrospect I can see that now. But while being in Sweden, I was on fire with faith. It seemed so obvious to me and I couldn’t wait to tell everyone about it. I, uhm yeah I also couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I wasn’t supposed to. I was supposed to be in a nordic frenzy over the small amount of things she (SHE=Love=Spirit) showed me

Ah, I gotta go on, but I’m too sleepy, maybe tomorrow… *yawn*

Okay, carrying on.. Hmmm yeah, I mean, yeah, at all times I feel like I am going to kick your door down and make you see what I saw. But some of us see things you’ll never see, and I can’t come to terms with that while writing this. I want everyone to believe me and in me. When I am faced with sarcasm or doubt, I often come lashing back with a forked tongue and I lose energy while trying desperately to make people see what I saw. There are many arguments and disputes in my thoughts. Looking back now, I can see that we were all used by HER (love?). She wants those arguments to take place because they keep the juices flowing and people excited by all this being exhibited. That excitement helps spread the word. However, those days are over, and I no longer care what anybody thinks about this. It’s there for whoever wants it. It’s free, and so am I. Take what you want from it, but understand that I am no longer trying to “convince” anyone of anything. All will be revealed within and without my mind.

My words are written on faith. I can see why SHE liked this. I spiritually grew up and graduated within every thought in my head. All this is me in my spiritual youth, doing battle with my own ego, and trying to make everything clear and convincing to you. But I didn’t have the power to move mountains back then. And so, my thoughts are often confusing, contradictory, unstable, and plain wrong. However, there is much truth within them, interesting stories, insanity, sex, laughter, fear, a fantastic plan, and some very deep revelations about the Spirit, Love and HER. What it isn’t, is…..terribly convincing ,hahaha!. It’s not supposed to be. It’s just a wind up for you and me. It’s a set up for the real heavy artillery that can be found in connections.

I am very different from it. Cause all this was after I became whole and as a result, CONNECTIONS are POWERFUL. They are THE TRUTH and they are the reason I walk the Earth in human form. I united with HER while explaining it, and that is why it is what it is <3

This has been carefully thought out, researched and organized. It flows better, it is accurate, it is POWERFUL, and it is true. It’s love <3 There are no mistakes in it. Spirit wanted my mind to be exactly the way it is, so you could witness the transformation I have undergone while finding it. I was told to take my time with love, I was told by Spirit, but SHE used the SCANDINAVIAN NIGHTS to let me know I had to be patient and think this thing out. All of that will be explained later. Suffice it to say, the SCANDINAVIAN NIGHTS told me that I needed to take some time to wake up, and I did 🙂

Fuck.

Just one thing : don’t (at any point), even begin to think that you know where I am going even when it seems obvious. Don’t make that mistake, because I promise you, my brain twists and turns all the way to the end, which hasn’t even happened yet.

 

I am a heretic.

Some consider selfless thoughts to be heresy. In which case, I may well qualify as the most compellingly, even shockingly, heretical man of the day. See, heretics break rules and shatter cultural norms. As such, they can be demons – or they can be prophets 😉

– I need to find you so I can lock you into a decidedly celestial vibe. –

Right now as I try to explain this thing I can hear inside; I feel somewhat depressed but my brain alchemizes these feelings right away with devotion, transmuting my depression into a universal state packed with powerful and empowering love emotions.
I am also eating Oreos while watching Spongebob on Nickelodeon.

You get the picture, right? I am re-defining my plans, turning them inside out; re-contextualizing my vision into an affirmation through the expression of the words inside my head. This is my moment; a fusion of humanity and a fucked up redemption of the state of limitation.

So yeah, this is me now, today, day 24th, this is Argentina. My brain was forced now to embody the qualities of mysticism, faith, inspiration, pills, illusion, depression and words more potently right now than many other times before. My find-my-love phase has evolved into that of a mystic with a radical spiritual conscience. Because my love now centers around the profundity of our existence, the potential of being human and the beauty of our cosmic nature; it’s the outsider’s vision of darkness coming into wholeness, discarding nihilism for the miracle of being alive. And being alive means being able to taste the miracle of Oreo cookies, fuck I love that shit!

These are sonic psalms for everyday, visions arrived at through my wrestling with the shadow My own immense new found spectre.
Anyone with an even passing interest in finding new forms to experience the luminous and transcendent art of being lost in a city –or Oreos–, please contact me, cause I want to meet you 🙂

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Every great thing in my life started with a thought first. A “What if…,” so to speak. If the thought is unusual its chances of survival are diminished. It takes fucking courage, confidence and imagination to destroy established ideas and get it to work out. We don’t have to settle if we believe in ourselves and die trying to realize our dreams. We were given something no other species has, the ability to think about love and shape it into reality. Love presents itself. The soul, nurtured by adrenalin and pictures, grows into a vision. The vision is moulded into a pregnant shape which gives birth to a new dimension of spirituality.

It’s all about everyday life mixed with some fucked up shit 🙂

SUPER DUPER UPDATE:
At a time when the people around me are still struggling to extricate themselves from a rut, and visionaries remain conspicuous by their absence (or at least, the absence of people that I find interesting, what the fuck), my search for whatever I’m looking for remains a beacon of light. My newly discovered [in?]stability has perhaps decreased my powers of communication or reduce my belief in the apocalyptic potential of meeting new people. It might initially require a leap of faith, but there’s enough here (Buenos Aires) to justify taking that chance. I might want to meet new people, I guess :/

So yeah, at this point fucking hate-choked cynics (my friends in ReykjavÌk) would have thrown up their arms in told-you-so triumph sms messages or calls on my mobile, because YES, I might consider the possibility of coming back up north. But fuck, I mean, yeah..

These confessions are not crying, I mean, to me is just the words of a guy getting things off his chest. I guess that me, (when I’m not getting all metaphysical and mystic on all of you) I guess I try to articulate what it feels like to be alive today, speaking for everyone without being a spokesman. You see what I mean?

My tolerance fails to arrest the alarming mediocrity of the people I have met in these last weeks *sigh*
The results of such contacts are often even more fear inducing than one might fear, but what the hell can I do? :/

While being around such people I am constantly bombarded by universal questions, by searches and findings, which I carelessly throw around with little regard for its meaning (or if they can understand it). After introducing discussions on the meaning of life and the soul, and all my trips to faraway lost places, most people offer inane answers/ideas that are both lifeless and soulless.

:/

Is that my friends knowing what I mean?? No, that’s them attempting to know what I mean.

“Cosmic grandeur“.

Fuck off. That is SO not fucking true!

They bore me to sleep, only a few stay, but the rest are here with me only hoping that such company will confer deep soulfulness upon them, and for a while, that works but then you realise it’s not only me causing all this but THE UNIVERSE ITSELF, for I am just a man, lost and found, looking for the normal stuff, nice coffee house to make my own, new friends, old friends, reach enlightment, Gnosis, y’know..

I’m seen as a curious beast, the sensitive Lad, but I am FAR from being sensitive. One of my mates said that from a distance I’m indistinguishable from the regular lad, H&M clothes and cheap lager, still dressed in the white shirt I wear to the office. But give me a soul searching trip to Iceland or Sweden and I’m bellowing for the skies, I mean, why-fucking-not? hand on my heart, pills in my bag. So yeah, I came into being when I swallowed the first bitter pill of seeing society, and found my place in the Reykjavikan streets, But now I’m lost, looking for direction.

“Mariano, the patron saint of existencial lads” said someone .. (I told that person to fuck off). Just because I try to understand what it is to struggle with notions of masculinity and sensitivity. I’ve realised that sometimes you’re so in touch with your inner feelings that you can’t spare the time to beat the shit out of someone in the street. But yeah, I LOVE to play fight, front up to other blokes, not just to be blokey, or cocky, I am just me.

Incriminations that this is the point at which it becomes hideously clear that my ego far outreaches my wishes of expression. Weird accusations that my voice, when I chat the lads up the pub downtown Buenos Aires, is the sound of a bloated, self-satisfied bloke proclaiming his faux-genius loudly from the rooftops, and it is rubbish. I can only say one thing to them: LOL

I know I’m losing my grip. No big deal about it. But man, it’s only heartfelt words about being lost and alone, searching for life’s meaning and a sense of connection; it’s that shit that is worth it, isn’t it?
Just having a chance to be introduced to a cold night’s powerful storytelling and soulful temperature in a pure, unadulterated form.
Cold, drinks, a few people, yeah, a few people; I was clearly enjoying the smaller yet deeply appreciative company, engaging in friendly banter with strangers between drinks on a pub, and sharing stories (though, oddly my eyes remained mostly closed both during talks and in between).
Words of this new phase in my life, that suggest a newfound sort of peace for a man who has admittedly suffered from depression much of his life, sentiments that are echoed in my words to my friends and family. It’s not a blind acceptance, but rather the tranquility of an old soul who finds simple joys where one can, informed by the knowledge and experience of many lives lived.
Do you really see ego in here? Well I certainly don’t.

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I’m so fucking selective with the company I keep.

People often ask me things, [But] I’m everyday: “London. Buenos Aires. Wife. Ball. Infinity“. And that all happens in less than a second. I’m one of those people. I can be sold by the candy in life, and then it can be stripped away within a split second and I feel like I’ve seen too much. And that’s the way, I’ve been like that most of my life, so I could never say I was there yet in any stretch of the imagination.
I think when you’re there, those moments, that I try to naively explain, which a lot of people think, “What the fuck is he talkin’ about?” But I think most of these searches, these religions, in their purest form are paths for the discontented soul to deal with it.
Deal with the fact that you’re on a fuckin’ ball in infinity. And we’re fucking it up. And we have done since time began, done our best to fuck this situation up. [chuckles] So, I’m not there, I’m just getting down to basics. I think that’s what you do: you come back down to basics. The basic things of life, the basic things for me are the things that turn me on more than anything. I’m not running as much now.
I’m actually trying to go back from where I was running from… The more essential things that i was ignoring. I was just ignoring the true beauty and simplicity in my life. What I have, what I had that was essentially free.
I think that’s what’s important. But I’ve always had that, in a sense, anyway, I’ve just feel like, I’ve said it before, an accelerated life for ten years, emotionally. It’s almost like, [laughing] God knows what age I am now.

I just want to lie next to a stream, really, with a good friend, with a soul mate, you know? A good friend, just have a chat, listen to some music, go out. I think there’s been a lot of illness around me, personally. Illness. I think that affects people. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And that’s been mixed with all of the other things and you come out of it…you just want… Simplicity. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I’m talking about, though?

I want to talk to a cute girl on the phone, instead of plowing through pill bottles; ‘cos you know, I’ve emerged from the pharmaceutical rainbow of the last years in my life, and I gotta go looking for pots of gold elsewhere. I have aimed my heart at the heavens, seeking redemption through questions and quests. How crazy is that, huh?

I am neither a Messiah nor a magician, I am simply intoxicated, with life, with love, with whatever I found in my medicine cabinet this morning.
These are not self-obsessed depressive and romantic clichès or pseudo-profound ramblings. Not that my messiah complex is as robust as ever and that I’m increasingly beginning to look like the emperor who’s wearing no clothes.

Fuck off.

Cause when you truly love, when you honestly feel it, you get this remarkable beauty and an ineffable, almost holy, sway.
To me, love engages personal needs in the context of universal forces. It’s not like I only want to find a girlfriend, or a wife; I want to find my Goddess. I have all these questions humans have been asking gods, goddesses, and each other for millennia; and I have to put my love into someone else.

Haha but some opinions on my ego. I love them. And I don’t deny it, there’s a lot of my ego in all this, that is; there’s a lot of me in this. Yes, of course I’m the black sheep, you can’t expect to feel all this, to have all this running through your veins and not get affected. But yeah, it’s fun. Ask them! And they will say “Oh yeah, he always ponders how much more wise and weary he is than everybody else”
They consider me someone that obviously sees himself as some kind of incisive commentator with a greater depth of understanding of the human condition than those around me, but in reality, I am much more lost than the rest.
It is not really about seeing me as a deep, visionary, romantic hero, it’s just seeing me as I am. Why can’t people just take me as I am and not just criticise me because I seek for a deeper meaning on things?

They are just upset because they cannot help but to be pulled into the seductiveness behind these words.

I am just a believer in love, death, spirituality, and individuality.I am looking ahead, not wishing for past adventures. I celebrate life, pure and simple.
I guess I am a deeply inquisitive man, probably too much for my own good. My regimen of frequently questioning God and overanalyzing the theories of love and existence are often present in my everyday. I can’t change this.
Did I mention loving so much you can almost literally die? Fuck, I’m finally starting a death cult! But then again, this is more confessional, like everything else I have ever said.
I’ve always been a slightly nihilistic, pale, bloke. Darkness is where the coolness is, ainít that right?
I can’t change what I am, and what I think, and if it sounds ever so slightly profound, as much as talking about infinity, space and time, fate, luck and love, can be – if not pretty much all talking about gods and structures.
So yeah, piss off and leave me alone, I need to get drunk!

I can’t seriously be a lost teenager anymore.

Also I get bashed a lot because of my selectiveness. I often need to explain myself about it. I am like this to get closer to romance, that is, get closer to love, because when I get really relaxed and drowsy after feeling in love with the correct people I see the colour of the planets and hear the sound of the northern polar circle from across the sea and and the electricity from it. There’s a precise difference between a bit of romance, champagne, love, pills, travels, sex and the rest of the drugs and the people. In my view, what I do is not just another way of living life, but is a way of also existing, because what I think and feel locks me into what’s going on, and what’s going on isn’t the width of my trousers, it’s what’s blowing in the wind, you know? My thoughts and feelings bring me something spiritual.

AND THEN AGAIN, my visionary leanings are not exactly discouraged by the people around me, however compared to a Messiah complex. Some have even told me “You walk the earth like a saint” That’s because when someone says something that is really mundane and not interesting at all, it goes in one ear and out the other, it has to. Maybe it’s because I never feel weighed down by gravity when I walk down the street, maybe because I read the Bible and the spirit breathes life into me, maybe because I have a recurring dream where I have a gold crown, and I’m sitting under a tree, with a lion under one arm and a lioness under the other.
All of which begs the question, do I have a Messiah complex? I like speaking to people. I like talking to strangers, and talking to the people I see everyday. I just like to express myself. You can change and give a lot of things through speaking. Jesus spoke to the people and that fed their spirit – that’s your two fish. Then he spoke some more – that fed their souls. That was the loaves, the bread loaves. Then his posse went among them and the baskets were overflowing – that was the vibe in the air, the same you get when you have a good chat. That was the energy, the feeling. No, I don’t have a Messiah complex but I think talking and enjoying myself is the nearest thing to achieving Christian ends. It’s about talking, expressing myself. Talking, it unifies people and sustains them. It uplifts them and makes them closer to love. I get a great chat at a pub or somewhere and that is modern Christianity in action.
I don’t know man, I do talk about angels, but because I felt righteous in some days. But of course, most may ask themselves “And now? Messiah complex now?” Well there’s nothing worse than self-righteousness. I don’t take myself too seriously, but I do feel righteous, because I live a righteous life. Sounds like a yes to you?

I really do not consider I get a sage-like profundity and quasi-Biblical import, generally filtered through an intoxicating fog of stoner mysticism. I don’t think I get that just because I talk about love and falling in love in a higher level.
I just want to fall in love my way, a way that transforms a person into a star or a constellation. I suppose it’s that feeling of loving somebody, the immediate vibe that you get so you just feel alive and alight, burning as if you were a star, and so do they.

I like to think I will find an answer to all my questions. But people sometimes think “you are fucking crazy, you’ll never find what you looking for” but I’m a regular bloke too, you know? I think, yeah, I’ve done the clichè thing. I have thrown things out of rooms. I have taken large amounts of substances. I have, you know, done the shit. I’m not saying that I’m completely and utterly cleaned up of that at the moment.
What I’m saying is there’s definitely a time when you look at that shit and you think, “Well, you know, you’ve done it now.” Once you’ve done that kind of stuff once, you realize how ridiculous it is.

I’ve always felt like I’ve been too stamped, too early, to recover. So, coming to terms with a sense that I’m either gonna grow a huge fucking beard and get the robes on, or I’m gonna walk a semi-kind of tightrope for my life, where my kind of mental condition, my physical condition, have to be put through a certain process. I mean, I have to go through a certain process daily, like a number of people have to, to function. Whether that’s a few beers or whatever, do you know what I mean?
I’m aware that I need a number of things to function. It’s just the way life is. So, I don’t see myself as someone who’s completely spiritually enlightened, but I’m more enlightened in many ways, in many more simple ways, in which things motivate me.
I think a lot of the time, maybe in my 20s, I’m running it kind of blind, you know? It takes a long time to understand my own space and how silence and stopping can be a good thing… something rewarding, yeah, something enjoyable. But in a way, when I say “I need to find her” I really need to, but I’m afraid people will think I’m pathetic for this. So, sometimes it’s difficult to say “I need”.

Sometimes my depression is almost prophetic. I don’t even understand it until a few months, or years later.

Does my mind actually need healing? I came to the conclusion that we’re all ill. We’re all sick. We deal with it in our different ways.

It’s something so awe-inspiring and perhaps that’s how I define it. Essentially, I’ve got to feel hope. I’ve gotta feel hope for my own heart. I think the depression factor comes in with the acceptance that we’re all pretty much ill. I think that’s been the thing historically, in my life, that is.

My depression seems like the biggest thing on earth for me. But this is something else. I’m in a precarious place. Sometimes it’s chilling. It’s difficult. I’m probably like the majority of us. I go out and buy a big Christmas tree…

How important is spirituality for me? I bet that if you’re reading this you won’t need to think about this question, but yeah, I get asked this question several times, So, yeah, it is important, the vast majority of it, I suppose. But, what’s “me.” It’s about defining “me.” And I suppose that’s what’s part of the trip anyway. Surely there are elements in it that are brought from imagination, my imagination.
A lot of it flows out from the part of my head that’s not necessarily the part of my head that’s talking to you right now, that is writing to you. I mean, it’s the part of the head that isn’t underlined and preparing every word that comes out. And sometimes things flow out and sometimes it’s difficult to explain.
And like I said before, for me, they sometimes feel more prophetic, like warnings or part of your psyche talking to yourself. Sometimes it’s a simple message, a simple thing coming out of the speaker for the listener. It’s also a big confused jumble sometimes. It’s difficult to define, really.

Prozac man, Prozac has done things to my mind.

… I always wanted to have someone to play Twister with. It’s a quite sexy and romantic game for me. You really have to be barefoot and on your toes for this game. It’s all in the way you arch your feet. Don’t flatten your sole.
Most people tend to think you have to be tight and in control for this game… But it’s all about letting go. In fact, Twister itself is all about letting go. It’s both it’s ethos and it’s tactic. If you’re not willing to let go..then you’re not going to get twisted. Twister is as much about letting go as it is about twisting.
For now, I play it alone. And helps me find myself as well, That’s why twister is a game I can play alone. Alone, you see, but with everybody. With Twister you can never be excluded. The colours on the board represent the facets of my personality. None of which I can escape. None of which I can really and honestly reconcile… That is…. Wholely. I spin the wheel and wherever it lands. That’s the colour I am.
So if I spun the wheel and it landed on green… What would that mean? (stretching my left arm over onto my right) Green represents the lover in me. The lover of expression. The lover of woman. The lover of lovers. The lover of the love of the loved.
And yellow? That’s the person in me who takes the books back to the library and has a cappuccino on the way.
Sometimes i’m red, mostly wednesdays. The embodiment of all evil. The embodiment of all things red.
But on fridays I tend to be blue. Bluey-purplely… It’s kind of uneven. But that mode is smooth… Y’know? It’s where everything is bitter sweet? You could throw boiling tar over me on fridays and I wouldn’t budge an eyelid.
On wednesdays I’d be fucking livid… Because on Wednesdays I’m bloody red… The embodiment of all things red…
Yeah dude, I think all of you people reading this are getting my idea! And Thomas the Fucking Tank Engine! Ever wondered why that fucker’s red? Cos he’s one mean fucking engine, man. He’s shit passionate about these trains man, and some shite mother hairbrain in a suit comes along and just kicks up his fucking times. Trains need schedules…
Man, trains need times… And it’s a sign of the fucking times, man… There ain’t no knowing when the next trains comin’. He’s red because he cares. He’s red because he dares…
So here is where I try to explain my friend how fucked up society is. Yeah everybody. Everybody here thinks you’re a tosser… Everybody here thinks you’re silly… That you’re stupid. You’re stupid you are. Really really stupid. Stupid bastard. Stupid tosser. God, you’re so stupid you are…(locking the door to the bathroom) and I’m not coming out for ages!!

He says “And I think you’ll find Thomas the Tank Engine was actually blue…”

(me, crying) NOT ON THURSDAYS HE FUCKING WASN’T!!!

It’s very difficult – [silence] I don’t want to add another few layers to whatever I’m already having to carry, but ultimately, sometimes you have to hit the pit. *the very bottom* to really see yourself. And then when you see yourself reflected there * all the demons, all the potential and the hope, you either seize all that potential and hope, or you don’t. Period. And that’s what it’s all about: personal salvation. Love can offer that, family can offer that, life can offer that, even though it’s a fucked-up, nihilistic world.

I’d rather sit around with friends watching telly and thinking about my life, than be at the best club, or with some girl who thinks it’s cool to be with me because they heard rumours that I OD’d on pills and booze in a hotel. Unfortunately, death sells, but it makes money for the suits; it doesn’t make money for the corpse or for the family. It makes money for the lawyers, for the accountants, and it goes right back to what we were talking about before.

That’s why I think of myself as a troubadour in the old sense of the word, you know? When I come into a town, I want to cry and laugh with that town. I’ve cried and laughed with RekyjavÌk, and Stockholm, and so many places more, should I go find somewhere else or come back?

This fucked up society is a woman telling me a story of polygamy and suicide and I’d never even met her before in my life, you know? [Laughs] I’ll put her on the guest list and see if she made it to the wedding, that’s what my wedding’s gonna be about, it’s about seizing the day, not being some nihilistic idiot. I hope you got that. Because that’s just about all there is.

–I’m going through a personal exorcism every night.–

Does this mean I am some religious fanatic? No, not really. It’s safe to assume that I believe a man named Jesus lived on this planet. It’s safe to assume that in kids’ eyes, my loved one’s eyes, and a cup of tea I feel something hat resembles a higher power.
I still consider myself a seeker and fan of Charles Darwin and William Blake. But, I’m also obsessed with the concept of a glass confessional box so the priest won’t abuse you. How insane is that?
Um. I don’t know if I have a problem expressing joy, but the difficulty is making an idea, a piece of mind that really does reflect life rather than the one dimension. I have a problem in trying to make a complete trip. I’ve found it easier and easier over the last two or three years to…I mean, I was lying in the park , doing a spliff with a couple of friends yesterday, just watching this…the nearest thing to a festival, really, what festivals used to be like, it seemed like to me, this mad expression of life. That was a moment, I’ll never forget that ten minutes, fifteen minutes that lasted.
And to me it’s about now, somehow, I’ve got to put that moment down onto something, into writing or someone, I’ve got to put that feeling that I felt that moment somehow onto something.
And I’ve found that that’s getting a little bit easier to express the beauty in life.
And love, Oh God love! I mean, yeah, I’m dark sometimes, my nature is dark sometimes but pure love has got that timeless, joyous beauty to it, naivety that I love as much as I like the dark shit. And it’s time to kind of open it up. I’m in a different place and the different place has given me a bit of a different sensibility.It’s opened up new emotions and unlocked doors in my head I didn’t even know existed and that’s only the least…

Today my friend asked me why do I wear a cross… Or people often say “very nice crucifix…” and stuff like that, and I’m often pushed into explaining my religion, but… It’s difficult really, I can’t pin myself on any fixed religion, really. I’m just one of those sad, early-century people who just drifts around and picks up a bit of this and a bit of that.
Cuz we are a scanning culture. We are turning over local drug culture and we suck in as much as we can in that given time that we are given, you know. So really, I don’t know. It’s a celebration of Jesus Christ.
But whether that means I’m with the whole shit that happened after he died, or left us, who knows. I’m not into any of it. I was confirmed a Christian when I was a kid purely because I wanted a piece of jewelry, so I don’t know whether this is just another extension of that. [laughs].
I’m intrigued by all that, by religions, I’m intrigued by Jesus Christ. It’s all fascinating.

Someone who I love very much, said “One of these days you’ll know what is like to be dead” And then the more I thought about it, the more scared it made me feel that you truly are laying on the candy…
We forget, we have to keep on buying to keep the whole momentum of like the major fucking denial of the universe.

Agnosticism? Yeah, I mean that’s basically you get a bit sick to death about the way we’ve fucked this up. Misogyny and power, and male power. All the shit happening in the world is represented by a guy making love in a city that’s falling apart through some kind of race riot or some kind of religious fucking riot; it’s a guy making love in Jerusalem to his girlfriend, finding his god in bed. It’s whatever, you know what I mean.
It’s like – through all these thoughts to me, they open up loads to different doors to the imagination.
Some of the thoughts I don’t have a definitive concept of what it is -they’re there to kind of spark off ideas, while grocery shopping, watching telly or just spacing out and listening to music, do you know what I mean? I just thought it was funny anyway – the actual thought is so funny.

Here I am, Saturday in January and it’s 04:00am, reading this. So many time passed since these words. So mine, I became them. I was looking for a perfect world and all I got was loneliness. Well the thing is that it wouldn`t be a perfect world because we definitely wouldn`t understand what perfection, disappointment or excitement will be about.
I was just looking for a different kind of connection. But when I get there, what am I going to do? Because the world is corrupt and place.

There are people who are prepared to be suicidal in the name of love. Love and life for the means of the world, are suicidal. The Earth is suicidal itself. But all this, is just an allegory, it’s figuratively speaking. What I have to find is my redemption. There is no key, no specific key, there is just finding your individual way through life.
After getting really depressed and almost losing my faith, I got asked by someone “Are you considering yourself as a religious person?” and that made me think.
I love Jesus Christ, yes, I do. But what has happened in his name is a different matter. People have hijacked Jesus Christ. I don’t follow any kind of religious doctrine, but I do admire certain religious figures like Franz of Assisi. I’ve got total love for those kind of people.
I’m looking for what people find in a religious moment. I think I find it through love, or thoughts, ideas. The thoughts I have been having are a key to a place where pain can be dealt with, a new place of ecstasy. People get a religious ecstasy.I get a religious ecstasy with ideas. Peace hasn’t arrived in my life yet, but it will. I take my dog out for a walk, I lose my mind sometimes, I get depressed, I get excited. Sometimes I’m happy. There is no difference between me and anyone else.

Oh yeah man. Just to still be here, being alive, talking to you, playing videogames -it`s amazing. Cigarette anyone? Beer?

Sometimes, in these dreams, I see myself in a lost hotel room in the United States, those that look like come out from the movies, tossing things at a discussion. The heat of Los Angeles and not the heat from Buenos Aires, not the heat from Argentina. I threw the clothes out of the hotel room, I am in an arguement because she broke my heart, she did not become real. I tossed my heart from the window of this hotel room, but this time around, the Bible in the top drawer of the nightstand might be spared.

I am hardly religious and barely reformed, but my search has moved beyond the chemical-pharmaceutical luxuries and into the wide-open spaces of a life lived, instead of a life avoided.

God, love, the meaning of life, where we’re from and where we’re going to … Will I ever find home?
Fuck I feel like writing about God because home is there. Will home ever find me? Is love everywhere or just in one place? There’s a doctrine written somewhere that tells us God is everywhere.
Yet, something beyond doctrine tells us that god is less likely to be near a puddle of puke in the restroom of a mid-town Buenos Aires discotheque, where I have been, than He is within the wind that bends the wheat stalks at dawn in a wide field. I have been both places.

Day 20th.
For me, to sit here and analyze my whole fuckin’ life is just… I made a great deal with myself; I don’t need a lot of fuckin’ shrinks with tape recorders. Do you know what I mean?

When I talk with my friends about my life, my depression, my family, I see it clearly, I see the rest of the world oh so clear! The world, I mean society, people, in it’s majority is an experiment in humanity and how people are toward me, and how prepared I am to be a monkey. And how prepared I am to be treated like a lottery winner. That’s the other syndrome that comes down – I am a fucking lottery winner. Enlightened, different. (I wrote out these last two words with a bemused look on my face) “so I’m a dancing monkey and a lottery winner –
I’ve got to keep this smile on my face ’cause I’m successful.”

People are afraid to use the word spiritual, I’m a firm believer in these words coming from an unlimited pool, and I have to be in a certain state of mind to get them. I don’t know why I’m in that state of mind. Sometimes it’s a dangerous state of mind. But I know where my influence comes form. It comes form the universal mind, mate. It doesn’t come from drugs, of medication, not entirely.
I mean, I wrote all of it under the influence of “something”, call it anti depressants, champagne, pills, whiskey, love, passion, romance, or simply the cold air of a breezy morning. It’s a personal thing, depending on where you are in your life. Some people can drink two pints of beer and become a psychotic ass, and someone can have fifty and be fine.
But we’re not talking about beer. Meds are often prescribed these days. And it is an easy way into another reality, the reality of being RELAXED. It’s quite an extreme experience, especially if you are slightly vulnerable or imbalanced. Because it’s not like you’re a junkie, you’re you, but RELAXED, unworried.
But anyone who preaches about the positive aspect of any drugs, it’s just boring.
I feel a disillusion with people who are doing metaphysical experiments, who are deeply into meditation, who suggest that they have these incredible powers, and yet at the same time their family or their relationship is breaking down. That’s what I found, and I got disillusioned. I think the mind can change molecules in water. I can believe in that. But I also think there is a life to live as well.
Let’s make something solid. That’s why love is my prayer, my meditation.

It’s an instinctive thing; I always wanted to make people feel like people feel in a church, you know?. There’s this connection with people I talk to in clubs, when I dance or jam until I felt transcendental. I just need to pass all my energy on to people, and, I don’t know, just, I have this obsession with describing my feelings!

–
You can go through a lot in two years, especially if you’re fortunate enough to travel and see a lot of places like I was. You’re gonna get in some scrapes. You’re gonna go through some extreme emotions. My brain is definitely a different brain from that of two years ago. Whether or not I’ve been tainted by that I don’t know.
Then I returned to what I thought was home, only to find it had changed beyond recognition, and that I no longer belonged. It’s a moment of hope, madness, deceit, excess, the cruellest betrayal and the shadows of death.
My problem, basically, is that I think too much. Sticking someone who thinks too much into a plane and sending him around Scandinavia isn’t a very good experiment. I definitely felt I was part of an experiment at some point. But it depends what kind of lifestyle you have. If you’re taking the lifestyle you have at home away as well, that’s gonna lead to madness. There’s a lot of bullshit written about me trashing hotels. But for someone to get that pissed up and pissed off in the middle of northern Europe to start that craziness, that’s how mad it gets. I was just, having fun while trying to find my home, you know?
It got even madder. Perhaps because, emotionally and physically, I was so close to the sun, so exhausted of all the people I’ve met, that the inevitable crash landing was always going to be tough. Girls I met were so shit and cheap that I had to touch base. So I did what the rootless often do: Return to what I perceived to be my roots, that is. Buenos Aires. Only to find no answers, just more confusion, haha!
When you come home after you’ve been through all the emotional madness, that’s as difficult to deal with. You’re drained by Europe and then you come back to this ‘real’ environment. That’s supposed to be your life, but you don’t know who you are. You don’t know whether you’re the person you were in Iceland or the person back at home.

Surely is the worst behind me? On the contrary, it is only just beginning.
TURN ON THE TV, and watch whatever’s on with, well, if not a bullet, then at least a small incendiary device, and the recurrent images are of terror, horror, dread and morbidity.
Why, I wonder?

I’ve always had a darkish side, or at least, dark phases. Sometimes dark in a way that can be quite frightening. A lot of people heard some of my experiences and go ‘You’re obsessed with death.’ Maybe I am. I think you’re a fool if it’s not in your mind.
I’ve always thought about death. When you get into your twenties, people that have been around you for a long time–friends, grandparents–start gettin’ ill or whatever. You’re gettin’ reminders of it all the time.
But then again, death could also represent this fucked up society, and era; represent any kind of total loss of any rules whatsoever, you know? It’s about the Devil sweeping you up into all kinds of depravity. Because he does! If you wanna believe in Christianity, then see it as the Devil being present in my body (at times). Something like that, yeah.
Uh-huh.

Sometimes it all turns into an epic, windswept manifestation of staggeringly bitter sentiments. Indeed, several of the ideas I have in my brain refer to some mysterious, evil betrayal.
People often ask me if I am someone who’s given up on love. But I don’t think so, I guess not, I guess I’m just someone who’s sat down and thought about things, you know? Someone who’s gone through the classic stage of a few weeks gettin’ pissed up and goin’ down to those pits, listening to music at six in the mornin’. I think…I hadn’t given up on love. I guess?

Cos, wait, how can I put it? Well, I think you get to a point in your life where you’ve gotta decide, no more bullshit. No more lies. If someone’s telling me bullshit, I’ll tell them to fuck off and if a girl’s givin’ me bullshit, leave. Cos you waste a lot of time in your life in relationships and situations that you think are right on it and they’re not. You get let down and…I think I…relationship-wise, I’d had an easy life up to that point.

I almost had a nervous breakdown while writing this, but maybe that definition is too harsh. Cos if you think of someone having a nervous breakdown, you think of someone whimpering on the floor in need of sedation. I was just, too anxious I guess.

Someone precisely asked me, “Are you mad, Mariano?”
“Maybe,” I said. “Maybe you are mad. But, if I am mad, then we are living in extremely conservative times.”
Well…

I have got conflict in my mind, though, yeah. It’s like … I wanna talk about things, you know? I wanna get people to listen to me. Then I’m thinking, ‘Do they really understand me? Do they really get into me? What level are they taking me on?’
After nights like that, where I go out, and talk to some people, you know? Meet a girl or two, talk to them, after talking to girls, I either laugh at it or I get totally disillusioned, haha! Life is mad. We all know that, but you either wanna make a statement in an insane world or else you may as well give in and go lay on a beach. It’s great when you go out, to a pub or whatever, and you talk to someone who’s understood exactly where you’re coming from.
It’s all worth it when you talk to someone like that.

Do you realize how linked we are now? Do you understand the nature of this? I hope you’re comfortable because you might as well be married to me.