I know I want to live myself… but could I forgive myself?

— Posted inPersonal — 1 min read

“I stand in front of you, I’ll take the force of the blow… protection.”

30 minutes ago… walking back home from the tram station. Her bitter words still resonating in my ears and in my heart. Poisoning me like a viper that wants to destroy all there is about me.

And then the message of Her was made clear. The lack of

 

Ah, fuck it. I can’t.

 

Just Kierstyn. It’s you.

SSH troubles and Heart disillusions…

— Posted inPersonal — 3 min read

“Connection via Cloud Identity-Aware Proxy Failed

Code: 4003
Reason: failed to connect to backend”
Oh well, this is what you get for playing with technology. Bad idea.
But I reckon; all of this is to distract myself from ‘it’.
I can even feel her blaming silence, listening to every keystroke of my noisy keyboard, thinking “he’s writing about her”… It just crushes my heart.
I wish I wouldn’t have f**** up so hard. I wish I wouldn’t be the same. I wish I would have gotten out of bed…
Maybe I should post the iMessage I sent Red about all the dreams? Yeah, maybe I should post if a few times, not only now but also then, maybe I would get some answers…

Dreams:

– 1st one. people walking “there” (Iceland allegory)

– cafe / car shop place.Looked like home but it was Iceland.

– monorail tracks a few blocks from home in xxxx.The keys hanging from the trees.The longing.

– THE STRONG ONE.After coming back from Iceland. The airport. The pay phone. The Latino woman in RVK. The toilette.My coming back. Calling mum.The airport dolly and the snow.

– the train accident one: I was already working at xxxx, so it was after my trip to Iceland.The dream was me walking on a place like xxxxx.Sandy dirt roads and talk pine trees. The train crossing , the girl falling off the bike and me wanting to run back after I crossed the tracks and the wooden plank sound …My tears and the waking up in tears.The tall pine trees.The smell.

I spend two days with a constant 24/7 panic attack whenever I remember the sounds. I remember mum had to walk me to the bus stop cause I couldn’t stop collapsing in panic

– the Moscow train station and the knife attack. The hiding in the tracks.

– slaughterhouse Pedró.Few blocks away from home. The Longing again.Trying to cross the bridge. To get back.

– and today. The dream of the trip.H but another person. My search for my passport and the girl that got next to me whilst I was searching the backpack.The words she said and the signs.All of the signs. The way she look. Who she reminded me of.Was it Dianela when I met her ? Is this a sign ? The white dress.My feelings.

 

 

Makes no bloody sense does it? I am trying to make sense of it… I just, miss it a lot.

Please come back.

Insomiac…

— Posted inPersonal — 2 min read

“Cannot sleep… never can sleep.”

 

01:55am- Oh well, it’s kinda been a while since I last posted.

Just didn’t have the time. [I gotta reckon: this WordPress text editor is HORRIBLE, single line breaks feel like triple breaks lol]

Ah, switched over to plain-text editor. Feels much better but of course, markup tags. Ugh.

I wonder if I can make the visual editor look like plain-text editor… hmmm **googles**

Seems like not.

I just… I just I was able to stop fucking up. And also able to properly touch-type lmao.

Why does everything have to hurt so bloody much? Why does everything have to feel like some sort of repeat-mode of certain emotions that do not follow rules that my head can dictate?
Why do the songs, times and temperatures talk of such things that I never seem to have control of?
Almost like that particular time when I was waiting for the subway at the park station…

“And I was waiting for my number come, like a bingo calling singing in the sun. You said ‘our number’s 69’, I said ‘ok’.

Solitude, my sacred mood?

I wish I could say all the things I have to say, but I can´t. I wish I could though. But what have I become ? Nothing but a dimming light in the middle of nowhere. That´s all.

 

Still not in the mood for it…

— Posted inPersonal, Travel — 1 min read
“… I wrote your name on a tree; along with the days this is taking me without you… “

So many things happening. The beach, my heart, work, back to home work, and for the first time, the need to use different desktops and how convenient that is!

I’m still not happy with it. Not happy at all. It feels so insecure… But I need to keep on. Even though it kills my health in so many ways, the uncertainty is something I have to overcome.

Hey, at least I get to say “I tried”. I just wish there was some certainty in my life for a little while :/

It’s been so many years since I last felt safe inside of myself, and inside of others…

Another long day of work.

— Posted inGadgets, Personal, Software, Technology — 1 min read

Also, trying to improve my Linux skills; which might take me to a very fun and interesting project.

Other than that, same old same old. Tomorrow and Tuesday off, yay! :happy:

There’s not much for me to show other than myself typing this post 😂

… This photo actually reminds me of some of my first posts on My Opera Community… ah, good ol’ times :inlove: